Laura's Journal

In her last months, she started keeping a Livejournal. I used it to keep her friends up to date on her condition when she was last admitted to the hospital. You may read the journal by clicking here. Below is the story as it happened, from when I was updating the journal, with the entries put in chronological order. The journal itself is exactly how she left it, except for the entries I posted to it.

Monday, January 24th, 2005 - 5:19 pm

This is Daniel. I sort of hijacked Laura's journal so I could give her friends an update on what is going on.

As she mentioned in her last post, she got shingles. In brief, she got extremely sick on Saturday, and Sunday morning around 3am, we broke down and took her to the emergency room. She was having horrible neausia/vomiting, was in so much pain she could barely walk, and her breathing was... about the worst I've seen it outside of the two times she had pneumonia.

She has had a number of CT scans and xrays, and none of them were showing any signs of infection or... anything in her lungs (although she did have inflamation in her lungs) But, on top of everything else, she was showing a lot of signs of pneumonia. Yesterday afternoon, they had her in the intensive care unit, but she wasn't doing too bad. She was eating on her own, and her oxygen saturation levels were dropping quickly, but as long as she was breathing through the oxygen mask, she was ok.

Last night I got a call from her nurse who was saying she was in bad shape. I never quite figured out what that meant, but this morning when I talked to Laura on the phone, she wasn't in too bad of shape, but said her breathing had progressively gotten worse. I couldn't really hear her through the phone because of all the beeping machines in the background.

I went into the hospital around 2:30 today, and walked into her room and they had her on a breathing tube and a respirator.

She has been through a lot. I mean, she is in really bad shape. Despite all that she has been through this past year, this is definitely the worst I have seen her. The respirator was definitely doing the job and her oxygen saturation levels are great, but she was obviously completely aggitated with being tied down to the bed and terribly uncomfortable, wanting the tube out in a major way. With the tube, she isn't able to talk, and she was visibly frustrated by this.

I suspect, as the doctors obviously do as well, that she has a pneumonia that has been brought on by the shingles, which makes this a viral pneumonia. This is a bad thing to have because it isnt treatable with antibiotics. I'm not really sure what they are planning on doing right now, but when I left earlier they were taking her to a CT scan.

To be frank, I am extremely worried this time around. Her lungs have been through hell, and her immune system has nothing in it to fight this off with. Plus, her blood platelet count is extremely low, which makes it difficult for the hospital to do biopsies, put lines in, etc. She has a lot of spirit, so hopefully that will help pull her through. Plus, the hospital she is in seems to be great, and she generally has at least one nurse in her room all of the time. From what I can tell, she has one nurse assigned exclusively to her who isn't caring for anyone else. They are taking good care of her, and are paying strict attention to detail.

I will be going back down there in the morning. I'll try to post an update to let you know what is going on.

Wednesday, January 26th, 2005

9:39 am

Not much change in Laura's condition. There also isn't a positive diagnosis yet. The doctor I talked to sounded about 100% sure that whatever is causing her breathing to fail is NOT related to the shingles, however. Here is what has changed:

1) They put a larger tube in, so she can breathe better. She was having problems with the other respirator tube, because it was too small. Her oxygen saturation level has maintained the same, which is to say it is good, hanging between 96% and 100% about all the time.

2) She is heavily sedated. So much so, she is basically asleep all of the time and unaware of all this horrible shit that she is going through. I am very pleased with this. When I went in early yesterday, she was awake and extremely aggitated with the whole situation. She was on a lot of sedation medicine then, and because of the tube, she had to write on a pad of paper to communicate. By the time I got in there, she was awake and trying to communicate, but was so uncoordinated because of the medicine, her writing just looked like scribbles. I could read a few things which included "I need to live in a bubble" and "no more dog in the room". She was very irritated, and fidgity which was causing her oxygen to drop. So they increased the sedation medicine and she is out of it now. Again, this is good. She just wouldn't relax, and ugg... I can't even imagine how terrible it would be to have that tube going down my throat into my lungs. She had to be terribly uncomfortable.

3) Her mother is in town, so I am back at work unless they need me at the hospital.

4) The doctors said their test results should be in today, which means they should be able to treat the problem specifically. So far they have been running regimines of antibiotics, etc, to try to treat general and broad range problems. It is hard to tell if this has been working or not. They talked a lot about weening her off the tubes, but I am doubting that will happen for at least a few days, depending on how things go. I should get something of an update from her mother in a few hours.

Other than that, I managed to sort of sleep last night. I, needless to say, haven't been sleeping at all lately. I haven't been sleeping correctly for months, but the last week has been exceptionally bad.

I am still extremely worried about her condition and the doctors are speaking in a lot of "ifs" and "maybes". My brain is telling me that she is really being very well taken care of and that realistically, she should get through this, although it could take another week or two. But, my heart is terribly afraid. I'm feeling a little more confident that this isn't viral, which is good. Part of what the doctors are focusing on is her previous radiation and chemo treatments, and the damage they caused to her lungs. Plus, the tumor is still there. Sure, it is relatively smaller than pre-BMT, but it still is hurting her breathing capacity. The thing hurting her most now is treatments she has received previously, vs whatever new ailment she has aquired. So, we will see. She really does have a team of doctors who are fantastic and very invested in her well being, so there is a lot of hope. I'll try to keep you update.

Also, thanks for the emails. I apologize if I can't reply to them all. But, your thoughts are definitely appreciated.

2:56 pm

The newest update is that Laura is doing a bit better today. That meaning, her breathing has improved somewhat. I am not sure why, though. The doctors still aren't sure what is causing her breathing problems. They keep suggesting that they feel there isn't a "new" condition and that all of this is a direct result of chemo treatments she has had, particularly medicine they gave her during the transplant. I know there was a lot of concern from her BMT doctor about her lungs, and she failed a couple of preliminary pulminary exams. Still, that doesn't make a lot of sense to me, since she was doing ok, then suddenly got worse. I guess we will see. They are also think that if they can get the tumor shrunk more that it would help her breathing a lot, but they are pretty limited on chemo they can use. They are also limited to surgeries they can perform, since her platelet count is so low.

Also, they speculate she will have the tube for four or five days. I would imagine she will be in the hospital for... quite a while. Hard to say how long. A few of you wanted to send cards. If you want to send her a card, you can mail to me directly, and when they stop sedating her, I will take them in to her. I'd imagine it will be next week before that, but you can send whenever you like.

Other than that.. still about the same. At least her breathing is improving some, which is a huge relief. I was worried it would keep getting worse. But, it getting better, even slightly, is really good news.

Thursday, January 27th, 2005 - 12:51 pm

I just talked to Laura's mother who is at the hospital now. The general mood of the doctors is that her condition is getting progressively better, and her breathing is improving, but it is very slow improvement.

All tests so far have come back negative for any kind of infection. This is both good and bad. It is good in that there isn't anything in her lungs working to make them worse. The bad news is, there isn't anything to treat, meaning her lungs are just broken. Well, her lungs would function better if they shrink the tumor more. And I think that is what they are considering at this point, but I have no idea how they plan to approach this. Most of her lung problems are from previous chemo and radiation treatments, so anything they do to the tumor has to be something that isn't going to further hurt her lungs, or her veins for that matter. Her veins are in bad shape too.

It looks as if they are aiming for Monday to take the tubes out. I'm not sure what else they are planning to do to treat her condition in the meantime, but I will post as I find anything else out. It could be a few days, though. If nothing much changes, I'll just wait until I have a more substantial update.

Friday, January 28th, 2005 - 1:29 pm

I'm not even sure how to write what I am about to write.

I spoke to Laura's oncologist a bit ago. It turns out that the bulk of her breathing failure can be directly attributed to her tumor. It also turns out that the tumor is in fact growing again. He didn't really specify how much it is growing, but just... it is at least a little larger than it was in December. She doesn't appear to have any infections in her lungs at all, and they ceased the antibiotics. She is still sedated.

What this means is there simply isn't anything else that can be done to treat the tumor right now. Her oncologist did talk in depth about the situation with her bone marrow doctor (who is an amazing doctor), and there are not any chemo therapies they can give her. Any chemo they could give her would simply kill her, and not do enough or anything to the tumor that would change the situation.

Of course, the tumor is only on one side, so she has another lung. It is also inflamed and they are not sure why. The good news on that side is that the left lung is improving, and the inflamation is decreasing... very slowly. They hope they can at least ween her off of the breathing machine and see how she does. The only real hope for her is that she is able to be weened off of the machine and stabalize her breathing until such a time when she can recover to receive more treatment for the tumor. But, we are talking in terms of months and years, which is a length of time her lungs probably cannot hold out for.

There are quite a number of other complications involved, such as the possibility that her bone marrow is failing, the shingles, blood clots, etc. Her doctor was pretty frank in saying that some "tough decisions" will probably need to be made in the next coming weeks.

Honestly, I am a mess today. How I am going to get through work... I have no idea. Anyone reading this that knows me should probably note that I really don't want to discuss any of this right now. I can barely hold my composure in a normal conversation. I am strongly hoping that at least her lung stabalizes enough so that they can take her off of the sedation so I can at least talk to her, and spend some more time with her before the end. My greatest hope is for a miracle and that she pulls through and can recover somehow.

I'm sorry to have to bring such horrible news. I wish so much things had not come to this. Believe me when I tell you I've done everything I can, and was with her through everything she went through. I'm totally sick to my stomach. I kills me that I can't continue to be with her all of the time, but I am in such financial dire straits that I can't afford to take anymore time off from work.

Hopefully by Monday we will have a better idea of what is going on, and I will let everyone know. If any of you know any of Laura's other friends, point them here or have them email me. I'm having a hard time finding everyone's contact info.

Saturday, January 29th, 2005 - 5:20 pm

So far, for me, yesterday has been the worst day. Yesterday was the day the doctors basically told me Laura is going to die. I had to leave work to be with her because I couldn't stand it. I think I cried to myself most of the night, preventing me from getting much sleep. I talked to my mother over the phone about it for a few hours last night, got a lot off of my chest, and that made me feel better. I don't think I could have really talked about with anyone else, except for maybe Laura.

I got up today to do some work with my father to make some extra money. Was about a seven hour job, and it helped keep my mind free of clutter some. After that, I came home, showered, and went to the hospital. My mother came into town from Indiana today to help out with things, and for basic support. So, when I got to the hospital, she was there.

I guess this leads to the important update. They had Laura on, seemingly, quite a bit less sedation medicine. She still seemed completely out of it, but they said she could hear. So, my mother and the nurses left me alone with her for a while. I was a total mess, but I told her how much I love her, how important she is. I thanked her being a part of my life and how generally wonderful she is. She was very heavily sedated, but there is no question she heard me. She started moving, and squirming a lot, and she started crying. For those of you that asked, I passed on all messages of thoughts and love to her. I told her a bunch of personal shit that I had to tell her, about my feelings and the future, etc.

She got a bit too worked up, and since we were done for the time being, they increased the sedation medicine, so she is more or less asleep again now. Since I am exhausted, and since the next few days will be the worst, I decided to leave.

Before I left, I talked to her doctor again. The general update is that while her lungs have been improving with the help of the steroids all week, over night, they got worse. They had to up the oxygen levels and breathing pressure on the respirator. This means that her last hope is gone. The only hope she had was for her lungs to stabalize this weekend. The doctor also told me they more or less figured out what is causing the breathing failure in the left lung. She has pneumonia like symptoms because the Hodgkin's disease has spread the other lung, and is causing the breathing to fail there. Also, her kidneys and other organs are starting to not function correctly.

I expect her to survive through Monday, and have agreed with the doctor to wait until then to make any decisions. At which point, I will have to decide to take her off of the respirator and let her pass comfortably with closure. I know many of you have expressed that there might be a hope, and the doctors could be wrong. Trust me, I've been with her through this whole thing, and know almost more about the details of her case than some of the doctors... they are not wrong. It is important to me that before she passes that she gets to speak her last thoughts to me. I know it was devouring her today not to be able to speak back to me as I told her how much she means to me. At this point, her passing is inevitable, and to have the proper closure in this situation is... utterly important. I can't deny that to her, no matter what.

I assure you, no one hates this situation more than I do. My grief and sorrow are immeasurably profound. Laura is the most beautiful thing in the world to me, and there is little doubt that this will be the worst thing I ever have to go through in my life. And I feel more badly for her than I do myself. Laura has struggled in the past with relationships, romantic ones as well as platonic ones, and us finding each other, as she tells me repeatedly, is one of the best things to happen to her. "Leaving" me was, as she also told me, her greatest fear about the whole situation. Our relationship was a very good one. It was almost as if two old souls who have always known each other reunited. I would carve out my heart for her, if it would save her.

For those of you that tried calling and I didn't answer, I do appreciate the gesture. You are a great bunch of people, and I appreciate everything. I will never forget it. I apologize that I am not answering, but right now, talking about it is difficult. I need to just save my strength for the next few days, which will be very trying. And, so you know, I am doing ok. I am... completely devistated, and my grief is... I cannot even begin to describe it. But, I have family here now, and I do feel a bit better having been able to communicate to her. I will let you know what happens.

Sunday, January 30th, 2005 - 7:43 pm

I am home briefly to get some food, shower, etc.

Between Laura's mother and I, we have decided to take the tube out tomorrow morning around 7am. The doctor expects her to survive about 24 hours before her breathing ultimately fails, and she passes in her sleep.

As of today, her right lung, where the tumor is, is completely failed. She is surviving slowly on her left lung, that is now being destroyed by the disease. Her right lung is causing her a lot of pain. So are the shingles. She told me this today when I asked. If we don't take the tube out, her pain will increase, and she will probably pass in a week or so. If we take the tube out, she will be comfortable, and be able to talk to us and say goodbye.

She was rather responsive today. I spent a lot of time telling her things, about how much I love her, etc. I spent a lot of time asking her questions. What she told me is

So, I'm going to head back to the hospital and spend the night with her. Tomorrow is going to be the difficult day. I feel a lot better than yesterday because I know she knows how much she is loved. And that was what made Laura's life complete.

I will let you guys know what happens as soon as I can. Thanks again for all of the support and love. It means the world to me, and to Laura also.

Monday, January 31st, 2005 - 5:30 pm

Laura passed away at 4pm today. To all of her friends, who she loved dearly, I am so, so sorry. And you are not alone in your grief. I have a hole in my heart... I cannot even begin to describe. She passed peacefully, as I held her in my arms, kissed her all over and let her know how much she was loved. I was with her from 11am yesterday through to the end today, except about two hours when I came home yesterday to clean up. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever experienced, and my heart is completely shattered.

I will post information regarding her funeral as soon as I find out what is going on. It will be in Piqua, Ohio, probably Saturday. If any of you in the Metro Detroit area want to caravan/carpool together, send me an email at dt10111@yahoo.com.

Also, it might do me some good to meet up with some of her friends some night this week. If you are up for it, let me know.

Don't worry too much about me. While my grief over losing her is endlessly profound, I am also relieved that she is no longer suffering. I have family and friends around me, and I am doing about as well as someone can given the situation. I also am happy that the last year of her life, Laura discovered real love. I feel fortunate to have been given an opportunity to prove how much I truly loved her. We had an unbreakable bond, and we loved each other deeply. So while her life ended short, it ended with a full heart. I will miss her so very deeply. I already do.

I will post more about everything after I have collected my thoughts and gained a bit more emotional clairity. And thank you so much for all the thoughts, love, and assistance. You are all fantastic people, and it warmed Laura's heart (i.e., she cried) when I told her how much support from friends we received.

Tuesday, February 1st, 2005 - 9:36 am

First off, I thank all of you so, so, so much for all the kind words, support and thoughts. It makes me feel really good to know other people have been touched by Laura, and that people love her. And I promise you, because it was one of the last things she effectively communicated to me, her friends were very important to her, and she loves them very much. I sincerely hope to read more about your experiences with her, as I am finding that hearing about, and absorbing who Laura was to be about as good as therapy as I can get right now.

Also, in case there was question, Laura didn't know I was posting her journal, but one thing that is important for you to know is that Laura and I were perfectly close, and we had implicit trust and devotion in each other. I know she would have approved of me posting in her journal (I have her password, after all), and she always, always trusted my judgement in all matters. And for those of you that don't know, I am the same Daniel that posts here as [info]obsequious. If you want to keep in touch, which I would be happy about, you are free to add me to your list. I will add you back.

Just so all of you know, Laura passed very peacefully and with more love in the world than any one person could ever hope to have. She literally passed while my arms were around her, I held her left hand in mine, and her mother's hand in my other. My grandmother, mother and father were there, who she was extremely close with. My grandmother and Laura were both going through very heavy medical treatments at the same time (my grandmother had brain surgery just after Laura's BMT), and they both have very similar hearts. My grandmother spent the night at the hospital with Laura for a number of nights during the BMT. They were true birds of a feather and loved each other very much. So much that Laura cried almost every time she talked to my grandmother. Laura made it clear to me that she wanted them there with her.

Other than about a two hour period where I came home to sort of eat and clean up, I was with her from 11am Sunday morning until she passed around Monday, just before 4pm. I held her hand and talked to her. Sunday she was awake quite a bit, and I told her everything that was going on. She slept a lot Sunday night, and when she woke up around 7am, I re-explained what was going on, told her what it would mean if we took the tube out, and what it meant if we didn't. I reaffirmed my promise to her that I would be with her until the end (which is a promise I made to her a long time ago), one way or the other. She told me, in very definite terms, that she wanted the tube taken out. Her doctor (who she has been seeing for a while now), who is an amazing, wonderful human being, also asked her twice, and she told him yes as well. I am certain she understood what it meant. It was sort of a chance for a peaceful, loving passing, vs a drawn out, painful ordeal. She didn't need to experience that, and Laura was such a strong person... I know she understood and we all made the right decision.

I left her briefly while they took the tube out, which she said was ok. I came back and she seemed distressed. I asked her if she was in pain, and she said she wasn't. I asked if she was comfortable, and she didn't give me much of a reply. I asked if she was still glad that we removed the tube, and she nodded a very positive "yes". At this point, I kissed her all over, and rubber her head, and held her hand for many hours. I told her... I don't want to repeat everything I told her, but in brief, she has no question about how much I love her, nor do I have any question about her love for me. I talked to her, and guided her, as she fell asleep.

I am positive she passed in her sleep. I had the nurse up the medication a lot, because while she said she wasn't in pain, it looked a little painful. I couldn't bear her feeling any pain, and we said good bye the best way we could. Plus, her oxygen levels were so low, her brain couldn't possibly have been functioning correctly. I still guided her out of this life, telling her to stop suffering and that it was ok to let go, and be at peace. I cried much less as she passed than I did when she was awake, because I was glad I knew she was no longer in any pain, which she clearly was in before.

Laura was my special little Siddhartha, my little buddha. She lived sort of an adventurous, odyssey of a life, and in the end, she found real true love and compassion, was at peace with her self, and the world. She touched many people through her works, and through her words. While we were not legally married, in both of our eyes, we were. Our bond was, is, and always will be unbreakable. I miss her more than anyone can ever know, and waking up without her this morning was nearly as difficult as watching her leave the world yesterday.

I will be posting a lot of stuff about Laura including some of her art, photography, and works, as well as pictures of her and other thoughts here. Part of doing this is for you, and so you can remember her, and part of it is for me, because exploring the person I love so dearly is going to be an important part of me rebuilding my life. Also, as such, I wouldn't mind, sometime soon, getting together with some of her friends who are close to Detroit. Maybe this week, maybe next, I am not sure. Feel free to email me at dt10111@yahoo.com

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts, love and support. You are all wonderful people, and I wish Laura could have known you more.

8:08 pm

This is one of my favorite pictures of Laura. She didn't like it much. I think she likes the high drama goth photos, but I think these elegant pictures that let her natural beauty shine more or much more beautiful. She had amazing features, and I hated to see them covered up. This picture shows those features very well. Even sick, dressed in her workout clothes, without makeup and going through chemo treatments, she still was absolutely adorable.

I've spent all day online, reading thoughts about Laura from other people, and writing my own thoughts, many of which will not get posted anywhere. I am amazed at how many people she has touched through her words, and her work. She was an amazing artist, so it doesn't shock me that people know about her work, but to the extent they do is rather amazing. And it makes me feel really good.

Writing about my sadness helps. And I want to emphasise and celebrate what Laura did accomplish by finding happiness in her life, despite the great struggle she dealt with. My grief can be narrowed down specifically to a number of areas:

1) I miss her. Plain and simple. We were a team. We were a really strong, powerful team. We were fighting impossible battles and were doing quite well. We had magical chemistry and... it is just hard to explain. I described our early relationship as almost like two old souls reuniting after being apart for centuries. Our chemistry was perfectly harmonious. Our mannerisms complimented each other, and we were very comfortable around each other. Early in our relationship, she told me she had battled cancer five years before, and that it was declared in remission. I told her, honestly, that while I thought this was horrible, she shouldn't think for a minute that it will interfere with any relationship we have. I told her that if I am with her and I love her, I will stick with her through anything. And I stuck with her through everything.

We weren't really ever allowed to have a very normal relationship, because she got sick within three or four months after we got involved with each other(with a compromised immune system). So we couldn't do a lot of things. But we spent all of our time together. We never fought. I mean, sure, we had a few disagreements, as any two people will, but they were very mild, and we always found an acceptable, mutal solution when we didn't agree on something. And I mean, we did nearly everything together. Just being around someone, especially when you have a special tenderness for them to begin with, and you have such great chemistry, causes you to become impossibly close. Our love flowered in a major way. She loved me more and more because I helped her in every way I knew how, without questions or without ever wavering in my commitment. Plus I genuinely loved her for who she was. I told her how beautiful she was, and how great she was, and that made her feel loved, which is what she wanted. And I loved her more and more because she was both a huge inspiration to me in how bravely and strongly she faced all of these horrible treatments, especially when she knew that the outcome could still be fatal, and how much she supported everything about me. She never interfered when I was working on the festival, or if I wanted to work on music, or go out with people, or whatever. Not that I ever left her wanting, as I said, I devoted myself to her. But she simply never attempted to push me to be anything more than I ever was. Both of these qualities, on top of the fact that she was irrestably beautiful to me, and how much I valued her work and creativity, compounded my love and respect for her.

She was a complete sweetheart. Sure, she was stubborn, but I discovered that if you treated Laura right, there wasnt anything she wouldn't do for you. Unfortunately, too many other people in her life didn't treat her well. But Laura was gentle, delicate, and despite everything she has been through, always seemed to be... happy. Laura definitely had a gloom cookie side of her, and she would get depressed, and anxious, but who wouldn't? I mean, I can't believe she didn't have a mental break down. And because she didn't, I loved her all that much more. Her strength fueled my strenght and allowed me to get through everything.

The time between the festival in May and her BMT in October were probably our happiest time together. It was just a few months, but we spent a lot of time together and did a lot of things. At the time, she was relatively healthy, and not going through any new chemo therapies. I think because we were both rather scared about the BMT, it made the time seem more important. We would go take little Louie, her/our pomeranian, out into the middle of large forests and just walk around. We would picnic in parks. We would go to the occasional movie. We spent a lot of time just being alone at home with each other. All of this made Laura extremely happy, and at this point, her smiling was all I needed to get by.

We really did live like the BMT was going to be the end. It was very sad on one hand, and very happy on the other. By this point, and likely much before it, there was no question how much we meant to each other. It was some time before we moved out of Sara's house that she said to me, "I don't want to leave you". And I ask her what she meant, and she said she didn't want to die. She started to cry, and I helped sooth her, and reaffirmed to her that no matter what I will be there with her. Through our discussions, she consistently told me that her one, true real dream was that she get through the treatments so that we could get married and live a "normal life". Laura really craved for a normal life, full of stupid human dramas. Not that she liked dramas, but our personal problems were so much more serious than anything we dealt with when we were younger, including her first bout with cancer. Worrying about bills and payments seemed silly compared to what we were facing. And she was tired of facing all of that. And she faced it all so she could be with me. How could I not absolutely adore the girl? How could I not be completely devoted to her when she showed that kind of affectionate devotion to me?

After the last chemo session, and she had one between June and October, which was right after we moved into Pete's old loft, her hair began to fall out in huge clumps. So, we had to shave her hair off. Her mother wouldn't do it for her, so I did it. By this point, Laura was tired of not being treated by a lot of people as a real, serious cancer patient because she had hair. It was amazing how many people felt she wasn't very sick until we shaved the hair off. She was ready for it to come off. It was things like shaving her hair off that reaffirmed our love for each other. That I would do it for her without hesitation or question (especially with her mom totally refusing to do it), and for me to find her more and more beautiful as I shaved it off... it was a year of these types of exchanges between us that gave us the unbreakable bond that we had. It was a unique situation where we had the opportunity to show our devotion to one another, and we did so with religious zeal.

I would always come into the room before I went to work, make sure she was tucked into bed all cozy, see if she needed anything, and kiss her goodbye, and tell her I love her. She was always half asleep, gave me a kiss, and told me she loved me, and fell back asleep with a smile on her face. One day she said, "I keep thinking one day you're going to forget to come in and kiss me good bye". I told her I would never do that. And I never forgot to.

I couldn't stop myself from buying her little things when we had no money. I would buy her chocolates, or get her a pizza from her favorite place. I would get her books, and all sorts of things. Her happiness was food for my soul. I kissed her every chance I got, and we would, at almost any chance, give each other long hugs where we felt like we would never let go. There was something we had that just found us wrapped in each others arms without any effort. We would often watch a movie while going to bed, and she would curl up under my arm and lay on me. I don't think she watched half of the movies, she just wanted to be with me. And I just wanted to be with her, and I miss her terribly.

2) I am sad for her. This is the worst of it all. My missing her will be the thing that will make my grief last the longest, but the strongest source of my grief is that I am sad for her. She had almost everything she wanted, and couldn't just close the circle and bring it all to fruition because her poor little body failed her. And she was so strong, and fought so hard. That is what breaks my heart the most. I feel like all that torture and suffering she went through should have been rewarded better. But, when I really think about it, and think about how happy we were... ugg..I dont know. It just feels like she deserved more time with her happiness. But I do know she was happy, and I could tell that the way things panned out at the end, that she did not regret anything. Nor do I. During those last days of her life, I spent hours talking into her ear, and running my hand through her newly grown in hair. She could barely focus her eyes, or lift her arms. But when I walked into the room, she became instantly animated, trying to reach out for me, find me and look at me. It was, and probably will remain, the hardest thing I have ever done, but in her last hours, I kept telling her over and over that everything was ok, that she could let go, and stop suffering, that our love and bond is unbreakable. Still, it is terribly difficult to not feel a profound sadness for her, as I know how happy she was after the last appointment with the BMT doctor, and she thought she might conquer this thing and we would be able to go live and be happy.

Again, thanks to everyone for... everything. I am so overwhelmed with how many people Laura has touched. I think I literally received 150 emails today. I have read them all, and many of them made me cry. I am trying to reply to what I can. You guys are amazing, and I know it would have made Laura cry too.